sometimes i wonder...

i wonder why i stay up so late, when i really really wish i was a morning person.

i wonder why some times i would rather not sleep at all, even though i love love love sleep.

i wonder why i eat so much sugar. or why i would rather bake cookies than make something with nutritional value.

i wonder about all of life's funny coincidences. what if i wasn't there at that particular moment, doing that particular thing, and didn't meet that particular person? i wonder what i would be thinking about right now instead.

but, mostly, i wonder about what it is that i'm doing, exactly. i wonder what i'm doing with my time, my talents, my education... am i making the most of them, or squandering the things that i've been given? 

i feel like my heavenly father blessed me with a lot of talents. i'm not bragging, i promise. in fact, sometimes it is terrible. especially when it comes to deciding on a major, or deciding what i want to do with the rest of my life. because really, i could do anything. i could be a doctor, or write novels, or be a teacher, or design magazine spreads. i have no doubt in my ability to do any of those things. for the last year or so, i've been perfectly content thinking that i would spend my life taking pretty pictures, painting pretty canvases, and making pretty babies. but recently, i've been wondering... am i wasting my brain? i know that sounds silly, but i'm being entirely serious. i wonder if i should be more ambitious in my schooling. should i care more about pursuing a graduate degree? should i be a doctor or a lawyer because i know that i am fully capable of doing so? 

which brings me to why i love going to school at byu - teachers that not only teach you about a particular subject, but somehow manage to teach you about yourself in the process. on the first day of the term, my photography teacher quoted the 13th article of faith:

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

then he repeated this line: If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

he said, that's what being a photographer is all about. seeking things that are lovely, praiseworthy, and of good report. how incredible would it be to make a living out of doing just that?

that was my aha moment. despite all of the things i knew that i could do, i suddenly realized what it is that i'm supposed to do. go ahead and laugh, but i'm incredibly satisfied to know that i'm supposed to make the world a better place. or even, a prettier a place. yes. by taking pretty pictures, painting pretty paintings, and making pretty babies [not tomorrow or anything, but someday]. i'm not going to become a heart surgeon and save lives, or become a lawyer and uphold justice in america. i am simply going to bring a little more beauty into the world around me. i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i think it is definitely needed. and that, i believe, is just as noble of an ambition as any.

whenever i talk about myself, i feel like i ramble. so friends, i apologize if that was rambling.

also, i don't take credit for the photo. i wish i remember where i found it. it makes my heart happy.